Memento Mori

One of my first ever boyfriends passed away last night in a car accident.

We dated so briefly and so childishly it didn't mean much when we broke up I think... although I no longer remember the details very well. Maybe it hurt then. Maybe I did care back then. But I fell in love for real not very long after that and he became nothing more than a footnote in my dating history, a full decade ago.

So someone tells me he's now gone. I digest the news dispassionately, and then it hits me, just how fucking morbidly strange it is.

Someone you cared about once upon a time, or at least thought you did, is now gone. Someone you had a crush on. Someone who felt the same back about you. Someone who used to make your heart race. Someone who let you down. Someone who used to make you laugh. Someone who you hated for awhile. Someone who you once held. Someone you thought you knew.

And the thing is, I saw him over the years, but never once acknowledged him, because he started calling me post break-up for some reason, and I got annoyed. I think he wanted some sort of reconciliation, or maybe closure, but my pride was injured, and I wouldn't consider either. And then life just happened and I just... forgot about him.

And when I hear his name again, he's passed on.

How do you process this?

Life's just so... insanely unpredictable. I wish I'd at least spoken to him once after we'd both moved on. I wish I could've been a little more forgiving about things. I wish pride didn't get in the way.

I wish we could've at least laughed off the past together. I'm sorry we never got that chance.