Apprehension

This feels like falling in love all over again.

But a hundred times more terrifying.

Say Hey

Not sure if I'm exactly happy, but I know for real that I'm relieved, being where I am. At least it affords me enough distance to view things more objectively.

Closer to other issues, but I think I've got that one sorted. =)

Some changes will be implemented soon on this blog, and hopefully, in my life.

As of the 23rd another chapter begins. And in a year, hopefully some progress, and a new place to flourish in.

It doesn't matter if you're still part of the plan or not, as long as I'm in it, and following it up, and happy.

That's all that counts, really.

Enough of chasing shadows, I've just confronted an old one. And in the end, no one's really the real issue, when my own demons are the very things that incite all the bullshit currently plaguing me.

I've very blessed, and very loved.

Glee

Pleasantly... everything.

Looking forward to tomorrow (today?) and the possibility of letting go of the rage.

A nice hotel room with hot water and good company and the chance to heal some wounds sounds just... wonderful.

Got the words for it...

Pleasantly numbly excited.

Haha.

Holiday > Homicide

This is probably not the best of ideas... but I am getting the fuck out of dodge town. And uh... as to where and what my plans are from there... well, we'll keep that a mystery now, won't we?

Hee.

Beats hanging around for more bullshit from you. After the dramarama on two consecutive Thursday nights, you expect me to let you off so lightly with an inebriated apology?

No fucking way. You're a lousy friend anyway.

Get the fuck away from me. Stay away. I don't care if you think you're all pitiful and misunderstood - that's your business, not mine. Justify the lies with that, it's fine with me, I've decided that I'll go with the general consensus of the rest and just ignore the crap coming out of your trap.

You deal with your shit, I'll deal with mine, just keep the fuck away from moi.

Man I so need a holiday from this. And some TLC.

And I'm glad to announce that I'll be getting both soon.

Prick

You are a liar and a user, and do not deserve my respect or friendship any longer.

You've long been planting doubts in my head, what with the contradicting stories you tell me, and the rest of us. Now we're starting to see you for what you are, we wonder - was she completely unjustified in her insanity? I do know for sure that you are a cheat... What else have you done? Cruel words and threats too?

You might always have regaled us with tales of her bad behaviour, speaking disdainfully about her - I now wonder, what of your own have you failed to mention? And if you do the same about the rest of us... Oh actually of that one I am sure you already do. I've heard you speak cruelly about your nearest and dearest one too many times.

Either way, I am done covering your arse for you, and lying on your behalf. Because you are a liar, a user, and a selfish, self-absorbed dick (interesting how that noun rhymes so well with your name) who doesn't deserve the trust, faith, or respect you seem to expect and demand from all of us. Especially me, the person you've fed the most crap just because I remain nice to you when all the others have given up on you.

You've bullshitted us over so many weeks already, and we're sick of it. Don't keep playing the victim - it's just rather pathetic, and it's kinda getting old already.

Contrary

Being colder harder crueler did help keep me sane after all.

And rid me of your disgustingly pathetic self-pitying self-absorbed self-serving bullshit.

My apologies that I'm not as tolerant of all that crap as previous models.

Doing you a favour in adding definition to your grey areas.

Now you can delineate your needs and wants.

Keep Forgetting A Post Title

Ah such familiar emotions.

Funny how I look into the eyes of each and every man I fall in love with... and know deep down that he'll hurt me and that part of me would actually crave that out of some sick masochistic need to validate my hatred.

Don't really know how to separate love from hate, pleasure from pain, it's all just mixed up together in a poisonous cocktail that tastes oh-so-good burning its way down, but slowly kills me from the inside.

You're the same too, aren't you? I see it in your soul. We're such pitiful broken things.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's all right because I love the way you lie

3am

Very weird conversation, confronting demons from the past.

Still very mixed feelings about you.

Did the both of us actually move on over the years?

You're right though, this love-hate relationship will never be healthy for either of us. Even a strangely unhappy acquaintance. Forever drawn back together into another exchange of grudging concern and subtle toxic verbal barbs.

Don't make me laugh, don't tell me the things you do, don't tell me about your mistakes, don't even bother telling me you care.

Friend, lover, yadda yadda yadda... That was the fallacy you fed me then, won't let you say them to me again.

I've enough whingers in my life, just told one to shut the fuck up and grow a spine - maybe you should too, and start practicing what you preach.

In retrospect though, after I read through her profile, I almost burst out into laughter. History repeats itself, and well, I guess karma bit you in the arse again.

Sometimes I'm sorry, and sometimes I'm not, and right now I'm feeling rather ambivalent about my current state of mind.

Wrong Solutions

I tried sobriety for a day.

It hurt like fuck.

So I'm back to slowly poisoning my system again.

I'd be lying if I said the thought of that selfish solution to my condition didn't occur to me many times over, but I refuse to be weak and stupid.

Don't want to be anything like you.

So I let myself live a slow decay.



Well, there is trouble in my mind
There is dark
There's dark, and there is light

Please let me save me from myself.

Poisoned

People never get this simple fact about me:

I don't like confrontation, couldn't be fucked to dislike most people enough to take any action, and generally am peace-loving (or just lazy) enough to let most things slide.

I've been reactive and angry for most of my life, it has taken a big toll on the soul, and that is the reason that I'm too tired on most part to do much but laugh cynically at the folly of the things people do.

Just do NOT make an enemy out of me. Otherwise I am as spiteful and vindictive as the next woman. Or maybe more so, as G would attest to.

And unlike some under-sized yappy bitch, I'd rather a subtler, crueler approach; and unfortunately, for satisfaction of my rage, I have plenty of time to spare for the games I play.

Let it begin.

What Do You See?

When I was a child of maybe about eight, an uncle bought a whole bunch of durians for us to eat. Not everyone appreciates this rather strong-smelling fruit, but I love it, and would use to gorge on it as a child, before my IBS got too severe.

So my cousins and I, we were all tucking into the sweet, creamy flesh as my uncle persevered to pry open all eight of the durians he'd purchased in a show of adult manliness (heh heh), when he made a rather stomach-turning discovery.

He'd found an unusually large specimen of a variety of worm that infests the thorny fruits in one of the larger durians. It was the the size of my finger, and a very robust and lively little critter at that, frantically wriggling across the concrete floor, as if to escape our horrified stares.

Here's a few links to some pictures of those horrible, horrible things you find in the king of fruits when you're not too lucky, because I refuse to post and credit images that make me feel a little bit ill every time I clap eyes on them:

• 5xmom's very detailed close-up of one of those buggers (you can actually see the false eyes!)
• Francis Ho's proof that the durians he had were organic (and apparently them grubs are edible)

Going back to the story - my uncle picked up the unfortunate fellow trying to make a getaway, found a pin, and impaled it on the soil in a flower-pot nearby. Not being a weak, easily-killed homo sapiens, the grub didn't die from that treatment, and continued squirming energetically in a bid to escape its predicament.

Me and my cousins were both repulsed yet strangely fascinated. We decided to conduct what in our childish minds, some sadistic form of experimentation on the bug. First we drenched it in water, curious to see if it would drown.

It didn't.

Still morbidly drawn by its suffering, we found more pins... and stuck them into the grub along its entire length, at regular intervals, so it was literally staked down with four steel pins right through it.

The thing proved to be quite the fighter, and survived that treatment.

After staring at it for a while more, and determining that it would not die from the damage we'd inflicted on it, we got bored, and ran off to find more interesting pursuits to occupy us.

Then the ants found it.

When we decided to check on it the next day to see if it was still alive, we found it covered with ants which were slowly but surely removing tiny pieces of worm-flesh off it, presumably to carry back to their nest as food.

And the poor fucking grub was still alive, wriggling a lot less energetically as it did the day before, but definitely still very much alive.

Slightly sickened, but mesmerized by the sight, we didn't do anything to ease the plight of that hapless creature. Instead, we left it alone, interested to see how long it would last the onslaught of those ants feeding on it.

It took more than three days for it to die, from the day we first discovered it nestled among the creamy flesh of what was supposed to be an afternoon treat.

It took a little longer for the ants to completely finish off every single scrap of it. Almost a week, if my memory serves me correctly.

And all the time it was still alive, growing weaker and weaker in its struggles to free itself, we did nothing but add to its torment. We dripped honey on it, to attract more ants, and we watched its suffering, indifferent to its pain.

The point of this story is, people all have capacity for cruelty in them. One might argue that this inhumanity was committed by children who didn't know better... but then again, children are the most honest expression of human nature, having not learnt empathy or sympathy or the need to confirm to social acceptability. Adults are more restrained in their actions of brutality, of course, but there's not very much separating the "civilized" person from the sadistic animal that exists in each and every one of us.

Granted, the worm was a pest, and not a very welcome thing to find in something you want to eat, but it probably had enough awareness to experience some form of pain, and maybe even a horror at its impending slow death.

That blatant indifference to suffering, that enjoyment of inflicting pain... suppress it, repress it, but tell me... You, reading this: can you sincerely deny that at some point of your life, the thought of inflicting an atrocity on another living thing, or even another person has never once crossed your mind, be it justified or not?

Mull upon that.

We are nothing more than savage beasts wearing the facade of civility and morality.

Memento Mori

One of my first ever boyfriends passed away last night in a car accident.

We dated so briefly and so childishly it didn't mean much when we broke up I think... although I no longer remember the details very well. Maybe it hurt then. Maybe I did care back then. But I fell in love for real not very long after that and he became nothing more than a footnote in my dating history, a full decade ago.

So someone tells me he's now gone. I digest the news dispassionately, and then it hits me, just how fucking morbidly strange it is.

Someone you cared about once upon a time, or at least thought you did, is now gone. Someone you had a crush on. Someone who felt the same back about you. Someone who used to make your heart race. Someone who let you down. Someone who used to make you laugh. Someone who you hated for awhile. Someone who you once held. Someone you thought you knew.

And the thing is, I saw him over the years, but never once acknowledged him, because he started calling me post break-up for some reason, and I got annoyed. I think he wanted some sort of reconciliation, or maybe closure, but my pride was injured, and I wouldn't consider either. And then life just happened and I just... forgot about him.

And when I hear his name again, he's passed on.

How do you process this?

Life's just so... insanely unpredictable. I wish I'd at least spoken to him once after we'd both moved on. I wish I could've been a little more forgiving about things. I wish pride didn't get in the way.

I wish we could've at least laughed off the past together. I'm sorry we never got that chance.

Lesson

The saddest thing about life is that you learn and relearn the same lesson over and over and over again:

Love is not enough. It never is, not in the face of the practicalities of life.

A decade on and I'm still constantly seeing it everywhere, in everyone, everyday.

You'd think we'd all learn that.

Emo Music Day

I hope my smile can distract you
I hope my fists can fight for two
So it never has to show
And you’ll never know

I hope my love can blind you
I hope my arms can bind you
So you’ll never have to see
What we’ve grown to be

One may think we’re alright
But we need pills to sleep at night
We need lies to make it through the day
We’re not okay

One may think we're alright
But we need pills to sleep at night
We need lies to make it through the day
We're not okay

One may think we’re doing fine
But if I had to lay it on the line
We’re losing ground with every passing day
We’re not okay

But that’s one thing I would never
One thing I would never
One thing I would never say to you
That’s one thing I would never
One thing I would never
That's one thing I would never say to you

------

I must say, lying through omission doesn't get anyone through anything. Ignorance is bliss but I guess I was never stupid enough for that sort of happy lack of knowledge.

First real conversation in years, and there's still so much anger. You sold me for a pittance and you have the fucking gall to tell me I'm worth more than the slab of flesh you told me I was? You were supposed to love me. It doesn't matter now that you "care" for me now.

But I digress. The pills part's accurate enough. Insomnia sucks. Stilnox has become a very good friend lately.

I wish I could just sleep properly for once, sans the chemical aids.

Lines

Funny how such a little midget-y thing can offend so many people - and not just any random people... more like the kind of individuals one should never EVER get on the wrong side of.

Ah well. Love those self-destructive tendencies. That sort of idiocy just further confirms the general consensus that some people are just lying fools with no regard for the consequences to themselves.

This is turning out to be rather interesting.

Evil, spiteful individuals deserve all the bad karma they can get.